tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post8581123535897156511..comments2024-01-25T18:57:50.181-08:00Comments on My Life as a Teenage Novelist: First Page Contest with Victoria MariniBrigid Gorry-Hineshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15481935746189946137noreply@blogger.comBlogger17125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-25091362983692254862011-06-26T15:09:02.565-07:002011-06-26T15:09:02.565-07:00I love this voice. It pulled me in and didn't ...I love this voice. It pulled me in and didn't let go. I love the concept as well - or as much of it that's been revealed and the rest that I've guessed at.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-56758221900038021772011-06-26T13:41:31.303-07:002011-06-26T13:41:31.303-07:00Great voice! I like the dark feel of it. I don'...Great voice! I like the dark feel of it. I don't mind the telling in this case, because we get a sense of the character and her "problem." I've got the same deal with the beginning of my muse story. In any case, good luck!Dorothy Dreyerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07359417869474783409noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-55149058011676661412011-06-26T10:09:50.346-07:002011-06-26T10:09:50.346-07:00Thank you, Erin!Thank you, Erin!Brigid Gorry-Hineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15481935746189946137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-10835577221937692422011-06-26T09:31:37.648-07:002011-06-26T09:31:37.648-07:00I really enjoyed your submit, Brigid.
Unlike the...I really enjoyed your submit, Brigid. <br /><br />Unlike the other comments on doing more showing vs. telling - well, this is only the first 250 words, and you still managed to pull me into the web of your story. So as long as you start embedding more showing as we get further in, I think this is a strong start. <br /><br />Great job and good luck in the contest!Erin L. Schneiderhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13724907482299321322noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-53042490553592495002011-06-26T07:10:11.113-07:002011-06-26T07:10:11.113-07:00Thanks Lorraine :)Thanks Lorraine :)Brigid Gorry-Hineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15481935746189946137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-64825353018727740992011-06-25T18:31:35.951-07:002011-06-25T18:31:35.951-07:00Interesting. Very nice start.Interesting. Very nice start.Lorrainehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01598738332758224442noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-25521449355156949742011-06-25T17:58:25.943-07:002011-06-25T17:58:25.943-07:00Thanks everyone for your thoughts. :)
Alison - ha...Thanks everyone for your thoughts. :)<br /><br />Alison - haha :D No, they're not really all that important. What's more important is that I'm trying to convey that Cassandra is psychic and an outcast, etc.<br /><br />Although I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to "show" she's a mind reader. I mean, she doesn't outright say "I can read minds" ... Ack.<br /><br />Well, I'll keep brainstorming. :]Brigid Gorry-Hineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15481935746189946137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-64472771754702788152011-06-25T17:43:00.987-07:002011-06-25T17:43:00.987-07:00I think the hard part with showing vs telling in t...I think the hard part with showing vs telling in this part of the story is that the classmates and their meanness aren't really an important part of the plot (that I remember... from your vague descriptions when we were supposed to be doing our chemistry assignments...) so we care more about what she thinks of the classmates than about what they are actually like. It's difficult to find a balance.Alisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17055036762874354967noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-43958064944240743532011-06-25T17:23:08.702-07:002011-06-25T17:23:08.702-07:00I thought that the character concept was really in...I thought that the character concept was really interesting, but like the others, too much telling rather than showing us how she knows all this information. <br /><br />However, the last line was an excellent punch to end the scene on.<br /><br />Good luck in the contest! I'm also participating and would love to hear your thoughts! http://gwynnemeeks.com/?p=132Gwynnehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13561623525114632675noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-45782311258438469002011-06-25T16:46:59.837-07:002011-06-25T16:46:59.837-07:00Your writing and descriptions are wonderful. I agr...Your writing and descriptions are wonderful. I agree with the others that it leans toward too much telling (which I have a habit of doing too), but you totally drew me in. I could really hear her voice and I wanted to know what she was. I like the dark feel too it. You might want to put in some action in with her internal thoughts. Show us how awful her classmates are to her. Good luck! :DBrenda Drakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01263237745979525170noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-73328443588450544692011-06-25T15:45:12.320-07:002011-06-25T15:45:12.320-07:00Alison made the point that I was going to make. :...Alison made the point that I was going to make. :)<br /><br />I like this as an introduction to the character. It's interesting enough that I don't feel a lack of action. The words have a lot of movement to them, so in a way the story is actiony. But, that's coming from someone who tends to write similarly, so I don't know how helpful my input is. ;)Sarahhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15981159884498574786noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-45825961699142728272011-06-25T12:29:58.421-07:002011-06-25T12:29:58.421-07:00Jessica - Thank you! I know, that's also been ...Jessica - Thank you! I know, that's also been a concern of mine (that the beginning isn't action-y enough). The problem is, the first action that really happens is a flashback of her mother committing suicide––and I didn't want to open with a flashback or with something TOO dark, so ... I don't know. Anyway, thanks so much for your feedback! :)Brigid Gorry-Hineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15481935746189946137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-11921204483718079332011-06-25T12:26:33.564-07:002011-06-25T12:26:33.564-07:00Hi Audrey! Thank you for commenting, and I'm g...Hi Audrey! Thank you for commenting, and I'm glad I gave you the idea to enter! Yay! :D<br /><br />Thanks for your feedback. I see what you mean ... I've been concerned for a while that parts are too tell-y, so I'll work on that.<br /><br />As for the human/not-human thing ... She is human; but then, she's saying that it's human nature to make judgments, but she can't make them because she's psychic. The two things aren't really related, but I guess I could use different words so that's not as confusing. Haha. :) Thanks so much!Brigid Gorry-Hineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15481935746189946137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-66143681694668313972011-06-25T12:19:06.453-07:002011-06-25T12:19:06.453-07:00This is very pretty and interesting. You have a lo...This is very pretty and interesting. You have a lot of good concepts here, and I like that. Your voice is great.<br /><br />However, I feel like this is very "tell-y". Instead of telling that she's ostracized, you could show it, perhaps? <br /><br />(also, I entered the contest because you gave me the idea, so thanks :) )<br />I love the third-to-last paragraph. I understand the character, right there. <br /><br />Also, I don't get why she says "I may not be normal, but I'm still human." and then goes and says " It's human to make judgments." as is she's... not human. <br /><br />Maybe I just don't get it. Whatever; I like it a lot. You've got lots of talent. Post more, please?<br /><br />AudreyAudreyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11762462462047174838noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-41664891411780278302011-06-25T11:40:01.490-07:002011-06-25T11:40:01.490-07:00Great voice, Brigid. You communicate an immediate ...Great voice, Brigid. You communicate an immediate sense of darkness and mystery. I'd definitely want to read more. Starting off with introspection is always tricky, though, since the literary world is obsessed with action! action! action! from the very first word. But this is only the first 250, so I expect there's plenty of action coming. And you build an interesting enough MC that I don't mind a journey through (her?)subconscious first.Jessica Khouryhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13831301896001045087noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-60317768766769356052011-06-25T10:06:04.037-07:002011-06-25T10:06:04.037-07:00:) Thank you, Alison! You make a good point ... I&...:) Thank you, Alison! You make a good point ... I'll think about how to revise that. Thanks!Brigid Gorry-Hineshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15481935746189946137noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5364337739890543904.post-72354468525125126082011-06-25T10:00:20.404-07:002011-06-25T10:00:20.404-07:00The contest says the agent likes darker YA with a ...The contest says the agent likes darker YA with a strong voice, so on that score I think you have a great chance of success.<br />Also, I love the irony that the reason Cassandra is so apart from everyone else is BECAUSE she is so deeply connected to them.<br />One thing that stuck out to me, however, was that early on your say that underneath the facade there is only "emptiness", but your later descriptions don't give an empty feeling-in fact, in examples like the antepenultimate paragraph (had to go for the opportunity to use that word...) it seems like the classmates' inner lives are full to bursting. The contrast between stated emptiness and described turmoil threw me a little.<br />Anyhow, good luck-Walking Shadow is awesome and so are you!<br />-Alison MAlisonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17055036762874354967noreply@blogger.com